If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
