I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
