Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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