I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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