textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
