Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
People in love make me want to vomit
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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