I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
