there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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