the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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