we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
