We named our party play list daddy issues
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
