your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
