Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
