I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
