I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
