I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
