Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
