Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
