i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
