I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
