I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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