I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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