I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
