you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
