so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
