how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
