peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize