Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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