Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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