My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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