I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
