I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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