he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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