can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
