Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
