so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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