He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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