I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
