Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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