Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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