I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
