when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
