There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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