I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
