i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize