I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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