YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
