I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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