just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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