At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize