I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
