Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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