uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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