It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
