everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
