oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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