I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
my liver is dry heaving
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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