WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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