Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize