I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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