Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
