i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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