Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
