Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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