Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
