just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
