We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize