3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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