You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
