I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
