my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
