Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
